Chronicles of a Basket Case

I have found myself all wound up and full of anxiety lately.
I hate politics, I hate fighting, I hate instability, and I hate having to gag down everyone's "I'm right" attitudes and opinions. Between the election, the Prop 8 ordeal, and the onslaught of hate that is being dished out, I think I'm at my breaking point.
I'm sensitive, more so than most. I feel deeply and I love deeply and I internalize everything. All things matter to me, and I don't know how to shut that off. Everywhere I go I'm bombarded with things I don't want to see or hear.
These last few weeks have been full of things that make me want to crawl in a cave and never come back out. I have tried to tell myself that things are going to work out, and I know deep down they will....I'm just not sure if I'll come out with all my mental facilities in tact!
I usually find my calm from the storm at church each Sunday. But even that seems to be slipping away.
I'm am one of the most flawed people I know. I'm not saying that for pity or even excusing myself, I'm just setting the record straight. I make bad choices, I give in to temptation, I yell and scream and swear, and hurt and offend people despite my vast efforts to be a loving and understanding person, I have gossiped, when I could have taken the higher road, I have been human and inhuman sometimes. I spend a lot of time wishing I was a better person, wife, mother, neighbor, sister and friend. I'm aware of my faults, more so than anyone will ever know. So I really get all bent out of shape when I hear people criticize me or my family. It's like lemon juice to a deep cut, It stings!
I probably deserve every thing I get, 1.) because I do deserve it and 2.) If I don't deserve it, I'm sure to grow from it, but how do I make it not hurt so much? How do you not crumble, when every last shred of your being says you're a screw-up and everyone around you seems to agree and isn't afraid to point it out.... Even at church?
I spent this weekend with my family and some old friends, hoping to find some peace and joy and comfort there. When oh when will I ever learn....
So I'm sitting here just trying to vomit it all out before it consumes me.
Maybe I'm not meant to have the calm I so dearly want....Or maybe the calm is there, and I'm just missing it. Whatever the cause or reason for my life being the way it is, I'm sure that it's all for my good, whatever the case may be, I just wish I didn't feel like my head and heart were going to fall apart in the process.
Not everything in my life is negative and dwelling in my anxiety isn't going to do me or any one else good, this poor blog is just a good place for me to write it all down and get it out. I've said it before and I'll say it again, once it's out I can move on....
I learned one funny little lesson this week, and I thought I'd give it a home here in this post to always remind me of the love my Heavenly Father has for me even if I do drive him crazy with all my worries. I think in times like these, he realizes my need for a sense of humor and a good laugh.
I had just finished a round of bowling with my family at Fat Cats in Provo, when I realized my car was low on gas. After I had swiped my debit card and was just about to begin the fueling process, I realized that the sign on the road and the gas pump had two very different prices. Upon closer inspection I read the sign on the road was a "cash only price" and I was bubbling over with fury. I was mumbling to myself about false advertising and smacking the cancel button, after all I expect to pay what the sign says, if they want to advertise the full price and then hang a banner about gas being ten cents cheaper if you pay cash, I'm fine with it. But don't advertise a price and then tell me I can't have that price because I'm paying with a debit card...
I was so mad because this was the second time I had this problem in a week that I pulled out of that gas station just a fuming! It wasn't until I reached the next gas station that I finally realized I had forgotten to screw my gas cap back on! I instantly remembered where I heard it fall of my car (although at the time I thought it was stuff in my truck shifting) and I headed back down to Provo to see If I could find it. I pulled over (where I remembered hearing it fall off my car) and was searching the road for my lost cap. In a moment of frustration I said out loud, "Heavenly Father will you just give me one small break in life"! As I finished uttering these words, I noticed something black in the road and I ran out and grabbed it. It was my gas cap alright! It had been run over and was missing parts....but I had to laugh, maybe if I'd ask him for a big break I would have found the thing in one piece! It seemed to me that He answered my smart-alic prayer with a smart-alic answer.