I Have Raised a Perfect Heathen

Isn't he handsome

I cannot even begin to express the love I have for my son Dylan, I love him so much in fact that I continue to let him out in public despite the fact that I know it's going to have disastrous results. Let's take yesterday for example. I decided, since Dylan was starting school the next day, I would take him out to pick up a few school supplies.
We were standing in line to purchase a folder for him, and I could tell he needed to use the bathroom, because he was doing his "I'm going to pee my pants" dance. So I quickly instructed him to go to the bathroom and I would pay for the folder (the bathroom just happened to be right next to the check stand we were in). So as I'm entertaining Alivia and waiting for my turn at the cash register I suddenly hear this screaming and then I see Dylan running towards me and he's wailing about something. As he gets closer I notice that his shirt is all wet and there's some kind of liquid running down his face. And then, what he is saying, finally hits me like a ton of bricks. If any of you know Dylan, you know he only has one volume and its very loud, so imagine with me (if you will) that here stands my son sobbing at the top of his lungs about how he has just peed on himself.
Umm how do I handle this one?
So I tried to keep my composure and not wilt away and die of embarrassment, "Dylan" I said, "Could you please go back into the bathroom and clean your pee off your face and wash your hands and then we'll talk about what just happened".
Why oh why do things like this happen when dad's not around?
I couldn't even begin to understand how this could have happened and all I could get out from Dylan was that he tried to use the big guys toilet (Urinal?) . Who would have thought one could be standing up and still manage to pee on their own face :)
So it was with great worry that I escorted Dylan to his first day of school today. Wouldn't you be a little worried yourself, after yesterdays incident?
I was overly anxious about not being late and so Dylan and I arrived about 20 minutes early to his school . They have it set up so that you wait outside until the teacher comes out and gets you.
So the next part of the story, I have to be careful with so I don't offend someone in some way.
Dylan is going to a school where things are just a bit different. Different from how I imagined it would be for him.
Here are the stats straight from the school web site. Dylan's Elementary celebrates diversity. The student population is composed of 75% Hispanic, 21% Caucasian, 3% Native American, and 1% other minority children. 70% of the population speaks a language other than English as their primary language. Approximately 95% of the students qualify for the free and reduced lunch program.
So as Dylan and I are waiting for the time to pass, I couldn't help but notice that Dylan and I didn't quite fit in. At the moment we were the only white English speaking people there.
It's hard enough to send your first kid off to school, but when you do it and your the minority, you get to look at things through a different perspective.
As I was standing there taking it all in and wondering why I was so scared, I noticed Dylan had wandered off a little. I kindly asked him if he would come stand by me, so that when his teacher came out I could help him find her.
And Dylan, Sweet Dylan, with all the innocence and naivety that only a child could have says to me from quite a distance (and in his loud voice) "Why, is it because you don't want me with the Spanish people?"
Some one kill me now!!!
All I could do was hang my head in shame and hope that everyone around us didn't understand him or at least understood his childhood ignorance of common sense and proper manners .
So I tried as quickly and quietly as I possibly could to tell Dylan that what he had just said was offensive and insensitive and not at all what I meant. All I got in return was his blank little stare and I just knew that he couldn't even understand what it was he said that his mom would be so upset about. So I shrugged my shoulders in defeat and prayed the next five minutes would pass without an incident.
And just as I was wishing that, Dylan's teacher came through the door and called for all her students to come. I excitedly tried to point her out to Dylan (she was hard to find among the crowd), and right on cue Dylan yells back to me "That Big Fat One"?
Ok, now I'm really ready to die!
Where on earth does this kid learn the things he does?
He must have been looking at someone else because his teacher if far from being big and fat, but how do I explain myself to all the parents around me.
What kind of parent am I?
I guess if I had to sum it all up the word disastrous does come to mind!

Maybe someday I'll be able to look back and laugh right? Not every mom gets to feel so totally embarrassed and mortified everyday of her life like I do. I must just be very lucky!