There are plenty of things I should be doing like holding my baby and sitting with Dylan reading him a book, or there's always that gigantic mound of laundry I have been dodging for about a week now, and then there's the dishes and the dirty bathroom and the endlessly fingered up and dirty walls to wipe. My yards a mess and we are out of food, oh there's plenty I should be doing! And yet I sit here and just feel overwhelmed and angry by it all. How is it that I can't do anything that is asked of me?
I do have rare moments in my life when I think I can do something (maybe even try to redeem my useless little self) and I find out I'm more of a problem causer then I am a helper, take last night for example.
I was feeling so proud of myself for signing up to help clean the temple. I told myself even though the hours were late this kind of service was right up my alley. After all I was the perfect candidate. Derik would be at home sleeping with the kids and I could use my restless late night anxiety towards some good use. So I got all dressed, I found my recommend and I waited for my ride. As I hoped into the car I said, "Now I have my recommend and some white socks is there anything else I need"? They all smiled (the sweet sisters that picked me up) and said I should be set.
So before I had arrived at the temple I remember feeling like maybe just maybe my recent actions (my screaming and ranting and raving at my kids, my cussing, my hard-heartedness, and my wandering mind) actually made me less than worthy to be in the temple. So I remember saying a little prayer and asking Heavenly Father to help me be pure and clean and to help me know whether or not I should enter into the temple. And I left it at that.
As we entered the front lobby I handed over my recommend, only to have the gentleman hand it back to me and say I'm sorry Sister your recommend is expired.
That is all it took and the tears came rolling down my cheeks.
Apparently there was my answer.
So on top of being washed over with feelings of unworthiness, I got to deal with the more human and slightly less personal feeling of being a total moron. Of course my recommend was expired! Of course it would be me who wouldn't check that kind of thing. So now what? It wasn't like I could drive myself home, and I certainly couldn't help. So there I was crying so hard I couldn't even think straight. By now the group from my ward had all finished arriving and everyone is sitting around trying to figure out what to do with my helpless, sorry little sobbing self. I kept trying to tell them I would just call Derik to come get me, but I was to emotional to get the words out. So a Brother from my ward called his wife at 11:30 PM and asked her to come get me.
Never have I felt more useless and utterly mortified. Not only did I leave our ward one member short now, but my poor sweet neighbor had to drive to the temple at 11:30 PM and pick me up and take me home.
How can one human being be such a wreck! Honestly, I wonder why it is I just don't drop dead, I'd do far less damage if that were the case.
But I haven't dropped dead.... At least not physically, so I'll just continue on my crash coarse with my destiny of being a one woman wrecking crew, with nothing but apologies to those that have to be in my line of destruction!
Eric if your reading this I'm sorry about all the "vomit" ;)
I'll at least try to redeem myself a little by ending this post on a more positive and enlightening note.
Once upon a time I used to post things I was thankful for on Thursdays.
I'm thankful for this little quote because it helped me to find something to be thankful for....
"If you can't be thankful for what you receive, be thankful for what you escape."
1 comment:
Sometimes vomiting all over is needed. But once your done, then you need to clean yourself off, reflect on the situation and focus on what you learned from it.
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