I Should Be Sleeping

But I cannot.
The wheels in my head are spinning and I just know I'm headed down the path to a psychotic break down, I can feel it.
After all it's been a while since I have had a real good "knock em-down-drag em out" psychotic brake down, I figure I'm just about due for it.
So where do I begin....
I guess I could begin with the big stuff and if I don't lose myself to fits of hysterical weeping, I just might get to the little stuff that's bothering me too!

Once upon a time (what good psychotic brake down doesn't start out this way?) there was this girl who had a beautiful wedding ring, which she cherished and loved. She loved it so much in fact that she hated to wear it for fear of getting it dirty or even worse, losing it. Every one warned her dear unsuspecting Prince Charming that maybe he should steer clear of a ring because his girlfriend and soon to be wife was famous for losing things. Despite many warnings, the sweet penny pinching prince decided to get his little Belle a ring anyways.
For six and a half years this girl has had the privilege and honor of showing everyone just how wrong they were about her....That was until this girl went to put on her ring yesterday, and couldn't find it.

I have spent all day today tearing apart my house, moving beds, moving dressers, ripping apart couch cushions, crawling on all fours looking in every vent and dark and scary place this house has to offer and I got nothing to show for it. Nothing but a sick sick feeling I just might never see my ring again.
But it gets better, my stories always do. Amongst my frantic searching and hysteria of having to tell Derik I've lost the single most expensive thing we own, and one of the most precious things I have, I managed to once again disgrace my self in an entirely different manner.
So it's here in my story that I remember that I have kids and they have needs, It's just to bad I didn't think of that while I was tearing my house apart.
Dylan had his friend Braden over, which is a good thing, and a bad thing. Good because it kept Dylan from bothering me, bad because the two of them together always means trouble! I was willing to suck up any trouble those two could get into (or so I thought) if it gave me a chance to find my ring. But lets not forget about Alivia shall we. She really has this horrible problem lately with getting into everything, every second of her waking life. I'm usually cleaning up one of her horrendous messes, while she is working on creating another.
So I have two trouble makers and one very destructive almost two year old running wild, one can only guess where this is leading right?
Imagine with me, if you will, one jar of opened and unattended Peanut Butter and three kids in my bedroom upstairs totally unsupervised. After the damage was done, Dylan graceful came downstairs and told me Alivia was getting peanut butter all over, everywhere!
That's all it took folks and I lost my temper and my mind. I was yelling at Dylan as to why he let Alivia have the Peanut Butter in the first place, when little Braden decided to enter into the conversation. I looked that little sweet heart in the face and I said "Braden, Go Home", and he just stood there, apparently he couldn't tell I had just been pushed over the edge, so I screamed at him "Braden, Go Home Now". Dylan then proceeded to let loose with his horrible high pitched bloody murder scream, because I was sending his friend home and I lost what little composure I had left and I started yelling at Dylan to stop screaming, somewhere in the mix I know I cussed at him really loud and then I huffed my way upstairs to see what kind of horrible mess I was going to have to be cleaning up now. You can only imagine my great horror when I made it upstairs to find Braden's mother standing in my front room.
Apparently during my screaming and swearing fit I didn't hear her come in. So here is where things get awkward. How do you even begin to explain yourself. Not only is she my neighbor and friend, but her husbands the first counselor in our new bishopric, and I am her assistant with the Activity Days program. So I'm standing there all horrified and the words just come spilling out of my mouth, none of which made any sense I'm sure. What do you say any ways? I'm sorry I was yelling at your kid and swearing at mine, I'm sorry you found little Alivia all covered in Peanut Butter and a stinky diaper roaming upstairs all alone, aren't you glad your kids come over here to play?

I think my decision to bring children into this world has sealed my fate, I'm going to Hell for sure! I never dreamed I would be such an idiot of a mother. Nor did I think I would be so wrapped up in myself! But what do I do? They are here and I am their mother! I know they certainly need someone more loving and patient and kind and decent. Once upon a time I thought I could be those things for them. Now I just look in the mirror and am horrified at the thought of what I have done and will do to my children.

Everything is just such a mess!

You know how they teach you in church about being willing to be submissive to the will of the Father. How the Saviors life was the perfect example of one's willingness to do as the father sees fit no matter the cost. I'm starting to get all panicky inside that I'm not cut out for this job. It's really easy to think that I'd be willing to do anything because I love my Father in Heaven and I trust in Him. It's so easy to think, until I try to put it into practice.
As silly as this may seem I'm going to use my ring as an example. My first instinct was to pray when I had searched my house over and I couldn't find my ring. So I did. But while I was praying I found myself pleading with Heavenly Father that he would help me to know where my ring was, I was asking him for his help, when the thought crossed my mind that maybe just maybe I shouldn't be demanding and asking for things he didn't see fit to give me. So I decided to head down the unsettling path of asking Heavenly Father to help me if it was His will to do so. But here's where my mind got stuck, what if he doesn't lead me to my ring, what if I never find it. Laugh if you must, because even though my ring is just an earthly possession that can be replaced, it's the principle of the matter that started to drive home and make me cry.
So I don't find my ring....Life will go on!
It's just how do I tell Derik and how do I ever trust myself to ever have anything of value, how do I know that the next time I need my Father in Heavens help that I won't be to afraid or angry to ask, because His will doesn't match mine. I don't deal with being told "No" well (but who does). I get really rebellious. I have joked that I have two different people living within me at the same time. There's the me that is open, honest, loving and forgiving, and then there's the me that is a bitter, rebellious, and stubborn child. I guess you could say one is my heart and one is my mind. And the two just don't coexist well.
So is it possible that my heart might make it to heaven while my brain goes to hell?

So I have lost my wedding ring, and I've lost my soul, so now I can probably move on to the less weighty stuff now. You know things, like my hurt vanity and my wounded spirit and the constant meanderings of my troubled mind, but It's 4:00 AM and I think I might actually be tired, after all it does take quite a bit of energy to be this crazy! So maybe I'll blog about my little problems tomorrow. If I can get my sorry irresponsible butt out of bed that is!