When I created this blog I did it with the intention of keeping this as my journal of sorts. I hoped to have it to look back and remember just what I have accomplished and overcame. I thought that maybe some day my kids could go back and read it if they cared to know just how and why I did the things I did. I try to be honest and straight forward without spilling every thought and personal moment for the cyber world to read. I'm an open person and I often share more than I should, I find it hard not to communicate my sorrows, my happiness, my disappointments and my struggles, it's who I am!
I would hope as I post my thoughts and feeling that I can find understanding and strength in my own thoughts and words. I hope to work through the things in life that weigh me down, I also hope to express my gratitude and happiness for the growth and knowledge that each moment of my life brings. So despite the fact that I might look crazy and weak to some and too wishy washy to others, I hope those of you that are reading this will respect that this is my space to just be me.
I'm quite famous for swinging from one emotion to the next (unbalanced I am), I'm not sure if it's a brain chemical thing or just the way my hormones interact one with another. I go from udder joy to total despair faster than any sports car ever created! Just read a few of my previous posts and you'll get a feel for the roller coaster ride that is my emotional life!
I'm used to the really up and the really downs that are me. So this new and disconnected feeling I am experiencing is quite disturbing to me.
To sum it up best....I'm glad that breathing is a subconscious act, because I'm not sure I could muster up the strength or energy to have to consciously chose to breathe. Everything in my life is so exhausting (literally) just getting up from a laying position is enough to drain me for the day. Things that used to bring me joy have lost all appeal (momentarily I hope). I haven't done one productive thing all week because I can't find the strength and the energy to act like I'm alive.
I have tried to convince myself that this lack of feelings and emotions will pass, and that one of these days I'm going to wake up and want to do something. I used to love working in my yard and despite the fierce hate I have for doing the same monotonous house chores, I used to do them just so I could enjoy a few moments of feeling like I didn't live in a zoo, but now I don't do anything, I have no energy, but most of all I have no desires. Poor Derik is being mom, dad and the breadwinner!
I have all these goals and dreams, but I can no more work towards them right now then I can leap off a cliff and fly!
For example I have been working on running, for the past 2 months, in hopes that I could get myself healthy, as well as prepare myself for the Moab Half Marathon in which I (was / am) hoping to complete this coming spring. Lately each and every time I muster up the energy to go I'm struggling more than I did the time before. You would think after two months that running would come easier to me, It's not! My time's not improving, my speeds not improving and my endurance is not improving! I know I have to continue running because quitting isn't going to make me healthy or make my life better, it's just how do you continue to do something that is so hard when you can't find the energy to get out of bed!
I don't feel particularly depressed, I feel more like my life has been sucked out of me. I don't feel happiness or sadness, just empty. Sometimes I want to cry and sometimes I want to laugh, but I can't find the energy to do either.
I'm pretty sure the only spark of life I felt this past week was during church yesterday and after church as I finished reading the book, On earth as it is in Heaven by Jeffery and Patricia Holland.
These feelings that so freely flowed in and through me where just another testament to me of the eternal truths that the Gosple holds. What else could reach a empty heart and make it feel so alive?I struggled with the first half of this book, but couldn't put it down for the second half. I sure am glad that for a brief little while I felt alive and well.
I'm hoping that like all of the other emotional roller coasters I have been on, that this one is almost over! Until then I hope that each of you can help me to do the things I need to do, that you all can help me find the strength I didn't know I had to move on even when I don't know how.
4 comments:
I love you Michelle. I'll email you.
Michelle, I love reading all your posts.. In so many ways you write and think like me! I am impressed with you in so many ways! Derik and your cute kids are so dang lucky to have you! I hope you feel better.. If you ever wanna do lunch let me know! Hang in there..
Michelle, You have such a way with words. Even when reading about your downturns I'm impressed with your eloquently way of describing how you feel. So, while you might not be making as much improvement as you would like with your running, the fact that your sticking to a goal and not quiting is definitely a worthwhile achievement.
I've been debating on whether I should leave you a comment or not. I didn't want you to feel like I was preaching or giving advice where it wasn't wanted. Anyways, I just want you to know that whatever it is you're going through I've been there a time or two myself. I think it's just one of those slumps that happen to a lot of people, but we just don't talk about it. Thank you for having the courage and honesty to share your most candid feelings. Here is a *HUG* from me to you...
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