Things I Know

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Twenty Eight years I have been around. Twenty eight years I have had to figure out what exactly it is I believe and what it is I am going to do with my life.
When I was little I had my life all figured out and things were simple. I was going to be a mom and have lots of kids and I was going to take them camping and hiking and we were all going to be gloriously happy forever.
Twenty years later, things just aren't that simple.
I grew up a member of the LDS faith, although my family was only partially active. My Father has never been an active member of the church, but my mom always taught me the Gospel principles even when she found herself in a position where she didn't feel comfortable going to church. I had good friends and leaders who kept me active through my teen years, and I have an incredibly faithful husband who teaches me more about the gospel each day and keeps me excited about the gospel now. All of these people have taught me so many wonderful things, I cannot thank them enough.
Lately though I'm finding it just isn't enough to rely on how others feel about the Gospel to sustain my faith, I'm learning I need a deeper stronger testimony of my own.
I know that God exists and I have never ever questioned that, and I'm sure that there is nothing in this world that could convince me other wise. I know that I haven't always understood God to be a loving parent, but I did know he was there.
I know that Jesus Christ is my Savior, and that he is literally Gods son. I know that he was perfect and that his life was lived according to his Fathers will.
I know that the Holy ghost is as real as anything, because he has spoken to me and comforted me and guided me.
I know that all three are distinct and separate being with one glorified purpose.
I know I love the Gospel I have been taught, I love the fact that families can be together forever, and that even when I (or any of us) fall short, there is an atonement that was made that will cover the difference if I just put it into practice in my daily life.
I know that Satan is real, and that he wants everyone to fail.
I know that I do not think as God does and that I am bound to have some kind of internal conflict, every once in a while, after all I simply don't have the power to grasp eternity and the principles that ensue. I also know this doesn't make everything I have previously known any less true.

There are still many things about the gospel in which I have unanswered questions. But it is through prayed and study in which I hope to find the answers. Just last night as I picked up the scriptures to read I realized that although I had read through them occasionally from time to time and found great and wonderful council in them, I had never asked for myself if what I read was true indeed. I have never asked if Joseph Smith really did have the first vision, and if he was Gods chosen mouthpiece to bring back the Gospel in it's fullness and truth.
When I was younger, I never questioned these things, I just accepted them as I was taught. I never meet a person who challenged my beliefs and I had never heard some of the terrible stories that circulate around about Joseph Smith and Mormons and their beliefs.
The first time I ran into conflict with the church and its beliefs,I ran like a kid who plugs their ears and pretends they can't hear. I ran away and buried my head in the sand because it was easier than asking God about my questions. It would be far easier for me if I didn't have the responsibility of knowing and defending the truth, if I just didn't know the truth.
Just today as I was trying to prepare a short talk for sacrament meeting this Sunday, I did a Google search on a hymn I'm supposed to be talking about. In my attempt to find some information about the hymn, I stumbled across some pretty shocking and disturbing things. I found blogs where Mormons professed to believe in their faith, and yet tore apart the very basic and essential principles, claiming that maybe the church hadn't got these things right. I even read a post about a women who claims she was once a temple worshiping member who now thinks of herself as a Catholic. My problem wasn't with her change in faith but with the idea that this women spoke plainly of the sacred things in the temple referring to them as silly untruthful things of not. She went into some detail as to what goes on in the temple, excusing herself by saying that the things she was sharing weren't that sacred and that they could be found in a book at Barnes and Noble. I couldn't believe my eyes that she could make the promises she did in the temple and then share them with the world as if the promises she made meant nothing.

The fault of my distress is, I read these blogs and comment boards and internalize what is being said. More often then not, all I ever find is derogatory towards the LDS faith, many people feel strongly bitter towards Mormons and the church and its not hard to find someone saying something horrible about what I hold dear. So I'm sure a lot of my grief would go away if I would just distance myself from the endless spewing hatred of man towards Joseph Smith and the Mormons.
Although I think I could have most definitely lived without ever reading any of the hate filled things that I did, I learned from them too. I learned that faith isn't about having all the answers, I learned that even those that have been worthy enough to go through the temple can be the most destructive when their faith falters. I learned that people get angry and leave a religion just because the things that God and his prophets have said and taught don't align with their way of thinking. I learned that I too have questions but I will not go to the world and ask them for their advise, that I will seek to find the answer through God. I have learned that the advisory does find the smallest crack in our faith and fills it full of doubts and confusion. I have learned that many are called but few are chosen. I have learned that I'm deeply saddened by the quick way we as a people forget the things we know, and go out of our way to lend a helping hand in destroying the things that are good and precious.
Last but certainly not least I have learned that my Testimony isn't strong enough to buffer the critics of the world, but I hope that through prayer and scripture study that I will come to know the truth, that my testimony might be as bight as the sun at noon day.

My life certainly hasn't gone according to plan. Being married and having children hasn't been as blissful as I thought it was. Derik and I are very different (that is another post for another time). But we do balance one another out, and I'm absolutely convinced we were put together so that we might help one another with the things we struggle the most with. Derik is absolutely wonderful at being consistent and thorough, I couldn't be any more inconsistent without becoming inconsistently consistent. Derik has this way of seeing things in black and white and is never easily swayed, me on the other hand, gets stuck in all the gray areas of life, and tend to find myself swayed this way and that. I am devoted to family and would do anything to help them, where as Derik believes one should just buck up and take care of themselves. I am soft and tender and Derik is rough and tumble. I love being one with nature and Derik thinks camping involves a hotel. Our differences aren't always appreciated by one another and there are days I'm convinced we would rather crawl into a deep dark hole than deal with one another.
All to often I find myself reading other peoples blogs and wishing I could write the things they write, wishing I too could say I was blissfully happy and that my husband was my best friend, that each and every day was just another day of bliss for the two of us. I console myself with a quote that goes something like this, anything that is not worked for cannot be fully appreciated. Another good one is, "Happiness does not come from doing easy work but from the afterglow of satisfaction that comes after the achievement of a difficult task that demanded our best"Theodore I. Rubin.
Please don't get me wrong either, because I do love my husband and I respect the human being he is and I love so many things about him, it's just not easy for the two of us to see eye to eye on anything. I have had to redefine my definition of love, because what we had didn't fit my mold.
I know that the two of us are meant to learn from one another and if that means redefining somethings in my life, I'm willing to do that. I know that I am incredibly grateful for a husband who honors his priesthood and is so steadfast in his faith. I know that he gave me the two cutest kids ever. I know that he will provide for us and put us first, and I think thats pretty amazing.

Then there are my children. Two beautiful, brilliant little trouble makers. Each so very different from the other.
So remember when I dreamed my whole life of becoming a mother and all the bliss that it would bring (yeah I know I'm laughing too), well it hasn't been exactly bliss. It is not so much my children's fault as it is my own. I just never dreamed that those little mini Michelle and Derik's would go about wreaking so much havoc. Each and every day I lose my temper with those sweet little souls, and each and everyday I scold myself for not being a little more in control of myself. Each and everyday they try my soul, one because she is so much like her Father, and one because he is so much like his Mother.
But mostly I just wish I could be more for those two. More loving, more compassionate, more patient, more intelligent (they beat me at my own games), more centered in their lives instead of my own.
I know that they are a blessing and that I couldn't be more lucky. I know, because of my children how my Heavenly Father must feel towards his children (minus all the yelling and spanking and anger). I know that when my children become teenagers I'm giving them to someone else to raise, if I cannot handle them now I'm certainly not qualified to handle them then. I know that I absolutely loved being pregnant and that that is a blessing some don't receive. I know that if I didn't have to raise them all I would have like a million kids.
I know that my children will have their agency, and that they might break my heart. I know that I dream of escaping my children and the demands of motherhood, as well as I know that the minute I am away from those things, my life would be empty and meaningless.

I also know that this post is way to long, but thanks for reading!