It's Been a While

Bare with me....
If I weren't so sick of looking at my two week old running post, I wouldn't even bother, trying to come up with something new to write about.
We have been plagued by dying appliances and electronics the last few weeks, our furnace stopped working, our computer died, the modem went haywire (I couldn't even use our laptop to get my internet fix), our microwave went on the fritz, and Derik learned he could be out of a job.
All things considered, I think I'm handling myself really well!
So I haven't officially freaked out, I'm sort of stuck in this "I know I'm going to freak out, but I know I shouldn't" kind of phase. I sit around and contemplate all the things I could be doing with myself now that I have no computer to sit around on all day, and six hours later I find myself planted in the same place thinking the same thoughts. I have like ten books I need to finish reading, a house that could use a good thorough cleaning, miles and miles that need to be ran, meals that need to be cooked, kids that need some extra attention, and I haven't moved a finger.
Yeah, I'm awesome under pressure!
I think most of the time I'm all worked up about life being monotonous and I get so sick of the same things day after day, that every once in a while the Lord reminds me why monotony is always better than the unknown, especially the unemployed, don't know what the heck we'll do, or where we'll go, or where we'll find another job, kind of unknown!
The funny thing about this whole situation is that I finally had things figured out in life, I had my garden all worked out in my head, I had vacations planned, I had dreams of running a race and then trying for another kid, now every one of those dreams and aspirations all go away, when Derik's job does. So I'm thinking what now? Do I carry on, as if nothings going to change? Do I make new plans, and if so what?
It's almost funny as fast as I write this, thoughts are popping up in my head and things are becoming a little clearer. Of course I can still plan my garden, and I can still run and train for a race, these things can still be done employed or not. It's the bigger more life altering decisions that are still hanging in the balance.
Derik's going to kill me...and I don't mean that literally!
But I have such a hard time expressing my ideas and hopes to him, that I swear he's the last one to know whats' on my mind. It shouldn't be that way, I know it shouldn't but, too often that's just how it is. So Honey if by chance your reading this (I'm almost 99% sure Derik isn't ever going to read this but just in case) SURPRISE, here's what I have been thinking!
Baby......yep another baby!
There I said it!
Now can I take it back...
I always told myself I'd be done having kids by the time I was thirty, and folks thirty is just a little over a year away. Dylan is almost six and Alivia's two now, and the timing of another one just feels right.
And so goes the internal battle of whether or not this is a biological yearning, or a way to make things new and exciting again, or whether it's a message from the spirit and one that I should listen too.
I love being pregnant, I know I'm strange that way, but I love it (even if I do complain here and there)! I love feeling the baby move, I love knowing I got to take part in the creation process. I love watching my belly grow and move.
It's after the pregnancy that I fall apart. I'm a royal hormonal mess after having babies, I hate breastfeeding, and all the uncomfortable things that follow. I hate not getting my 10 hours of sleep, there's just not much positive I can think of after the baby gets here.
I would also be the first to admit that I'm a pathetic mother, and any child would deserve more.
So why is it I can't hush the thought of having another one? Maybe that's why I haven't found the words to tell Derik, because I myself can't sort through the conflicting feelings and emotions. I do know however that it was much easier to justifying thinking about another child when I knew we were going to be employed and have health insurance and that we could financially take care of it and be responsible for it.
Baby number 3 would also mean major changes in just about every aspect of our lives, we'd have to upgrade to a larger car($$$), buy a bigger table, and buy more chairs (all of which require income). It means that Derik and I are out numbered and that I don't have enough arms to hold them all. It means reaching out into the unknown and believing and having the faith to know this is what I should be doing.
I think if I knew for sure that the spirit was prompting me to have another child, and that what I was feeling was more than a biological urge I have because I'm almost thirty and I already have three years spaced between my children, I wouldn't hesitate to ask Derik how he felt, and move forward. But I haven't received a confirmation one way or the other at least not one that has said "yes Michelle It's time", or "no Michelle", so I think like most things in life it's a matter of choice and faith. I just would really hate to make the wrong decision about something so incredibly important, but I feel it's my (and Derik's) decision to make none the less.
Whew...Now I'm back to square one!