Day Six and a Half...Motivation, ZERO

*This is really just a post for me, it's rather lengthy and full of all sorts of details no one really cares about, any one is welcome to read on, but you've been warned*
So I'm on day six of my 14.5 day challenge, and I find myself "falling off the wagon" already . So far here's where I stand.
Breakfast (5/14.5)
Completing chores after breakfast (5/14.5)
Sticking to diet (0/14.5) I usually find myself following the diet for two of my meals, it's dinner time that gets me every time,I want to have what the family's having.
Exercising (5/14.5)
Reading scriptures (5/14.5)
Personal and Family Prayer (0/14.5) I'm saying my usual, run of the meal, standard prayers, but I'm not going above and beyond like I challenged myself too.
Personal appearance (5/14.5)
Sharing compliments with my husband and kids (0/14.5) As of late (I like to blame PMS) I'm just focusing on not killing or packing up my bags and running away from my husband and children.
I'm also finding that even though I had a specific plan laid out in my mind as to how things would work out, sometimes just finishing or completing the goal is more important then the order in which I do it. Some days I get up do breakfast, clean a little and go for my run, then I come home and get ready and finish picking up the house. So even though my chores and personal appearance aren't getting taken care of when I had planned, I'd like to think I'm still completing some part of my goal.
From the looks of it there are a few areas that I'm needing to focus more intently on.
It isn't just coincidence that they happen to fall under the spirituality and diet realm, my Achilles Heel(s) if you will...The very two aspects of my life, where I would like to see and need to see change the most!
If I dug deep enough I'd probably find all sorts of skeletons in my closet, for why I struggle with these two ares of my life. In fact maybe I don't even need to dig rather than just acknowledge what I already think I "know".
My biggest hurtle with my spirituality probably stems from a lack of knowledge and understanding of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. For as long as I can remember, I have felt I was fundamentally flawed. I worry that deep down I am just selfish and mean and judgmental, and that all the good traits I try so hard to convey, are nothing more than a cover or a "strong suit" to hide the real and insidiously horrible me. I find myself wondering all the time, why it is I choose the wrong choice, and think the wrong thoughts, when I know better. How many times can I screw up in the same way before I make myself a hypocrite and a mockery to what I believe?
I guess I can't wrap my head around "infinite", because I feel like I've wore out my chances of forgiveness (especially when I stumble over the same problem over and over). Maybe I don't understand the level of love it takes to put up with and see potential in someone or something that continues to do things contrary to how they should, I am after all the FOOL who never seems to learn.
I've been taught since I was a child that I had a loving Heavenly Father, who knows me better than I know myself, but I can't wrap my head around that either. I only know (or can remember) one father figure, and our relationship was far from loving. I feared talking to my dad, little lone opening up to him, I feared every time I had to be with my dad because I knew I had some how disappointed or angered him, and I hated receiving his wrath. All these feelings real or perceived some how run through my thought process as I'm praying, and I usually end up wondering if I've some how in my idiocy offended or angered my Heavenly Father.
For all these reasons I struggle with my spirituality, I struggle to understand the divine nature and characteristics of my Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ. I don't know how to get on my knees and open up to a Loving Heavenly Father, because frankly I'm human and I can't understand how it is He loves me, or how it is that I can ask for forgiveness time after time (for the same stupid stuff) and still be something of worth to Him.

Skeleton #2
Food. Why must it mean so much to me?
I'm seriously entertaining or hoping that I'm brain damaged, maybe then all my stupid choices and feelings would some how be "not my fault".
I've guilted myself over and about food and my eating habits more times than I can count, and chosen not to care what I'm eating or how much I'm eating even more. Most of my life has been about my relationship to food and the consequences I have to face because I have a twisted relationship with food.
I was pretty crazy even when I was a kid and I had a hard time relating to any one. My friends were limited and usually abusive, I had an extremely awkward home life and often felt like the laughing stock of my family both nuclear and extended, more often then not I related to my family as my enemies. In fact looking back I finally know why I have such a huge problem with trusting people, who wouldn't when they perceived their family as the enemy.
None of this is meant as a blame to anyone, it's simply how I perceived my surroundings. I have been fortunate enough to be able to look at things through the eyes of a parent and now I get to see the whole picture, but back when I formed a bond to food I only saw the world through my eyes and my feelings. Food was the only damn thing I had that didn't hurt me or talk behind my back. It didn't whisper about me when it thought I wasn't around, It didn't make me feel like a freak.
Instead of having a good friend or someone at home I could relate to and talk things out with, I had a package of Ramen and a bottle of ranch dressing to smother my loneliness and insecurities with. So now 20 something years later I'm still clinging to the ranch and the Ramen.
I've grown up, and I now have the ability to see that most of the time the way I perceive things doesn't necessarily mean that's really how it is, I have the ability to talk to and open up to people, and I don't see my family as the enemy. All good reasons to let it all go, to get myself under control and to finally move on.
And yet there is something more to my love for food, then just an emotional bond, there has to be. Every time I resolve to kick my food addiction out the door, I'm filled with anxiety. I'm pretty sure any addict feels that way, to know that your fix is going away is a terrifying thought.
For me it feels like I'm giving up the last thing in my life that brings me joy and satisfaction. Every other aspect of my life is controlled by someone else, with food I get to pick what I want and how much I want, you take that away and I have nothing, or at least that's how I feel.
I've often wondered why I can't take real control of my eating by making good food choices and limiting my intake, because if it was that way, I really would be in control and not my addiction, and I wouldn't be fat or miserable.
I can resolve all I want and if my stomach's full, I'm dead certain I can start that minute to be in control, but the minute I'm faced with the slightest hunger or the minute I sit down at the dinner table, all good sense leaves my head! And until I figure out how to gain control over my most out of control addiction, I'm lost as to what I should do.
So now that I've hashed that out lets see if I can go make some progress ;)