"If you keep on doing what you've always done, you'll keep on getting what you've always got."

Yesterday I made my mind up that I was going to challenge myself to do and be more. Somewhere in my life I decided that hoping for better circumstances was easier than working towards better circumstances. I sit around waiting for miracles to happen, when I know I should be out there making them happen.
I've never shied away from working, part of me loves to see what I can accomplish when I've made up my mind to do or finish something. Every fiber of my being loves to be engaged in some kind of work. I wasn't always blessed with an amazing work ethic, Heaven knows I was once an irresponsible teenagers, but irresponsible or not, I have always found satisfaction and joy in working... It's in my gene's, or at least I'd like to think it's in my gene's.
Here's where my problem lies, I never and I mean never have been able to work at something for long periods of time. It's the little everyday things (that usually matter the most) that I struggle working towards. My work ethic disappears when the word "daily" enters into the picture. Once, twice, heck, maybe even three times a week, I can handle and even anxiously look forward to the work, but daily?
My mom once said I don't do things because I'm afraid of being a failure, and part of me knows she's right...Who isn't ashamed and afraid of failure... But there's got to be more to it than that.
What is it that has me paralyzed at the thought of having to do something (and the same thing) for the rest of my life and even into the eternities. Why not dig into the task and be thankful for something to do and be glad for the opportunity to grow and learn and to become stronger?
So as I was analyzing my own thoughts and feelings yesterday, I had an idea, a sort of challenge (for myself) if you will. Maybe if for two weeks I pushed myself really hard to do the things I struggle with the most, maybe I'd see some sort of progress, maybe I'd see that If I stick to the "daily work" It will lend to me some of it's rewards. Maybe I could step out of the box that is what I do (and what I always get), maybe I'd see some much needed change.
I knew It was going to take a good dose of optimism and a whole lot of pushing myself (which I have never been good at) to even get through two days of the daily grind, little lone two weeks, but things were looking bright and I was "feeling" happy, when I concocted my two week challenge.
Now I feel angry and betrayed and I don't want any more disappointment in my life.
Whew, I think I just answered my own questions with that very sentence, "I don't want any more disappointment in my life".
Am I that ridiculous and shallow? I guess I am.
So even if I think my "glass is half empty" isn't there still something in the cup? Everyone's life is full of disappointment, why am I choosing to let it rule my life and the way I think?
When on earth am I going to stop thinking like a five year old?
So I started out today doing exactly what I always do, and believe it or not I'm going to get exactly what I have always got. But here's the good news... today's not over.
Maybe I could change my challenge into a 14.5 day challenge (sounds kind of marathon-ish). I can salvage what's left of this day and start my "self" challenge right now.
But before I get of the computer and get to work, I'm thinking I need to lay out what exactly it is I'm going to work on.
I'm thinking that this post is getting really long so I'll go ahead and write out my 14.5 day challenge on a new post.