May is for Moving Forward

It was a year ago this month I learned we had been given a job opportunity down here in Houston.  At that time I knew we were supposed to go to Houston, I didn't second guess moving to a far off place, because I felt it was what needed to be done, I felt we were being led there. 
As with any new adventure my mind was swallowed up with the excitement of having a fresh start, and all the wonderful blessing we were about to partake of that I had waited so long for.  I had big dreams and hopes.
Now a year later I admit the dreams have been replaced by reality. 
The five months it took to acquire a new home was taxing, especially since I was single mom-ing it while living with family.  I would have probably run off a cliff if it meant we were getting to move forward with our lives!
But the first few months in Texas were great, the mild and beautiful winter was so great, I could go play with my kids out in the yard on a sunny December day and think about how much I loved being outside and not trapped inside for the cold and the snow and all the icky ugly grey days that come with Utah winters.  I was as happy as I had ever been, really, really happy!
I had a new house to decorate and organize and the project of making our house a home kept me rather busy.  There were gardens to be built and tropical flowers to be planted. 
But my busy work has dwindled away and the Houston heat is settling in and I long for my old life.
The one where my summers were filled with family events and camping trips.  The one where my neighbors are my friends, and babysitters are abundant and free!  Where the afternoons are hot but the evenings always bring a pleasant coolness to them.  I miss Strawberry Days and parades and boating trips and the 24th of July.  I miss my old friends who know and love me anyways.  I miss seeing almost all of my neighbors at church and feeling really connected to my community.  I have a nephew I've never met and the prospect of seeing family or friends again is slim to none.  I miss dollar movies and date night.  I miss cheap swim lessons and outdoor activities.  I miss having mountains to go run away to.
It's to bad growing and learning can't be a happy pleasant experience for me.  I'm sure part of the plan of being out here was to help me grow.  To help me see that life moves forward regardless of where you are and who your friends are.  While I preferred being blissfully happy here (like the first 3 months or so)  If I need to grow, I need to grow, there is no changing that. 
So I'm trying to write down all the hurts and the loneliness and the sense of loss I'm feeling so I can get them out, so I can move forward. 
I like to run away from my problems every once in a while, not because I think it solves anything, but sometimes stepping aside helped give me the extra nudge of patience I needed to get through whatever it was that was bothering me.  Unfortunately moving away from everyone and everything I know took away my options for "running away".  And I'll admit I'm going crazy, like cry my eyes out, want to lay down and die crazy, because I have no where to run.  Each day I wake up to the same problems and I have to face them head on, and I face them alone, because I have no one and nothing to run to. 

Home is where you make it and I know that Houston is not a bad place, it has it's own unique things to offer.  For the people I know who've grown up here, there's no better place on earth.  There are things I like about Houston, there really are, but mostly it's a reminder of how far away I am from the things I grew up loving. 
I'm trying to grow where I've been planted and I'm hoping that someday everything will stop feeling so foreign and that my now shallow and sensitive roots will finally sink themselves deeply into the ground, so I can finally feel at home again. 
Until then there's that whole process of growth I have to do.  Please excuse the tears and the pity parties I might have in the mean while.  It's all part of the process of moving forward for me.