Wordy Wednesday

I write this for me.  Sometimes I find that writing these things out helps me to feel less suffocated by my worries and problems.  I write it so that someday I can look back and see God's hand so apparent in my life, when I feel so alone and discouraged and I cannot see the big picture of things.
 
My almost 2 year old is an expert at ruining everything.  If I choose to clean up one mess, he is in another room ruining something else.  I've gone through many stages of emotions as I try to come to terms with his current mode of self entertainment, At first I was kind and understanding about it and I used gentle words and kindly encouragement to try to persuade him to not be so "naughty".  Then when I ceased to have any more patience and the messes got worse, I decided I'd make lemonade with my lemons and I laughed it up and tried to find the joy in the now.  But I quickly realized that while I was laughing it up nearly everything we own became a victim of Isaac's unquenchable curiosity and the time and energy I devote to cleaning things and replacing things is making me really grumpy and not happy at all.  He's mastered the child safety features we have on every door so there is no containing this child.  Just yesterday he took my food storage buckets removed the lids and proceeded to mix my rice and flour. So I have now entered the defeated stage, the one where I throw up my arms in the air, curl myself up in a ball in the corner of a room and silently rock myself back and forth and beg /pray for lots and lots of patience as well as a hope that someday my life will again be something other than a disaster to clean up.

I've been in Texas for almost three months now.  I love my home and so far I'm loving Texas' winter weather.  I don't miss the cold or the snow of Utah at all.  BUT I miss Utah.  It was my home it's where my roots are.  I miss family and friends.  I miss having babysitters.  I miss having things to do. I miss friendly neighborhoods, where people actually try to get to know each other.  I miss having friends and date nights. I know that I just need TIME to make new friends and find new things to do.  I know that eventually my life won't feel so lonely and sad.  But right now in this very moment I feel very much alone.  While there have been a few very kind ladies in my new ward, I'm struggling to find someone who I can connect with really well.

Mr. Giovannoni works long hours.  At first I didn't think this would bother me so much, but that assumption was that I'd have friends and opportunities to do things to keep me otherwise occupied.  And life right now is hardly hopping and I hate having him gone all the time!  Not only does his absence mean I get to do everything by myself it also means I don't get to go out with out my kids to try and make new friends.  It also means we don't get out as a family either and that just stinks.

If you ever want to make me feel like I'm going to explode from the inside out, or watch me suffer from severe anxiety attacks,  just tell me someone hates me.  I can't sleep, I can't function, and I HAVE to try and make it better, because for me hate is literally a poison and whether it be mine or someone elses it affects me deeply.  And I'm struggling terribly to deal with all the hate that is being focused on members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It's everywhere, and while I have no one to blame but me for reading every hate filled editorial and comments to every news story, I'm amazed at how fundamentally wrong most people are about our beliefs and the venomous hate they have towards us.  While I'm doing my best to stop filling my mind with the ignorance and hatred of total strangers, I don't know how to get the poison of their hatred out of my mind.
My husband has told me more than once that If I had actually served a mission when I was 21 (like I was planning to before I married him) that I would have been eaten alive.  I finally understand what he means, and he was right, I would have been chewed up and spitten out. I can barely handle the pressure of answering the question I get from folks around here about what church I belong to.  I am not ashamed of my faith (remember I really dislike hatred) and although it's been extremely hard for me to deal with other peoples misinformed versions of my faith and the ill feelings so many of them have.  I have been learning and growing in faith.  For every question they have, I get to search out the answer for myself, because of their ignorance I have grown, I'm learning things I never knew and I feel priveleaged enough to have what little knowledge I do to know I can find an answer if I seek it. It makes me wish everyone knew what I knew, so they too could find the answers they are searching for, that they didn't have to make decisions based on ignorance and hatred or the philosophies of man.

I am having a terrible time sticking to my goals, I'm not sure whether I need to tame them down or just try to reach a little harder.  I'm actually disregarding one of my goals as I write this post.  What is wrong with me?  I'm just trying to find my way I guess, and I'm just going to have to be patient with myself while I figure things out.

It's really misty and grey and ugly today, which could explain why my bad mood is getting the best of me.  Let's hope there is some sunshine in the near forecast, Heaven knows I could use some.