Tuesday Truths

• I know that I'm almost 32 and I should have lots of things figured out, but I don't.   Something about moving away from everyone and everything you know tends to force you into reevaluating everything you thought you knew. 
• I can be happy and sad.  I can be filled with knowledge and I can be filled with doubt.  Lately I have been experiencing all four at the same time.  
• I've spent the last two days sitting in front of my laptop reading the news, transfixed and horrified by the awful and tragic ending to the Powell family saga.  Since the day Susan Powell went missing I have followed the story,  for some unexplainable reason it felt so personal to me.  To have it all end the way it did has shaken me so terribly. I mourn for each of the families involved.  The grief and heartache they must be enduring right now is beyond what any one should have to bear and my thoughts and prayers are indeed with them.
• I need to separate myself from the news.  I have spent the last month immersed in it and it has done little for my spirit and has filled my with sorrow and disgust.  I'll be adding to my list of goals that I find better reading material.  
• I've crossed the threshold, the one where I realized while I've been taught well and I believe in what I was taught, I need to do my own soul searching and studying and strengthening of my testimony.  Several of my friends have spouses who have left a lifetime of beliefs and philosophies to embrace other ways of thinking and believing.  It got me thinking about how much it would rock my world to have some one dear to me (especially a spouse) challenge my beliefs and whether or not I could stand my ground and believe as I do if I were the only one standing there.  I am in no way saying I don't believe what I've been taught.  The spirit has confirmed to me over and over again that what I do know and cherish is right and good.  But I feel there is much I do not know.  I feel there is much I need to study and ponder.   Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and you shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:  and so I shall.  
• I thought that when I moved to Texas I would find all sorts of motivation to make some major changes in my life involving my physical activity and my diet.  Turns out all my motivation must be back in Utah.  Making these changes isn't impossible they are just highly inconvenient to me and require more than I want to give right now.  I been trying to convince myself that while I'm adjusting to my new life in Texas, that it's okay to not want any more change, but I know deep down inside it's really just a sad sorry excuse.
• Which brings to mind the phrase, if you want it you'll find a way, if you don't you'll find an excuse. 
• I love my children.  I'm sorely inadequate as their mother and that has weighed me down lately.  When I watch them yell and fight and be emotionally irrational, I'm so sad to know that is was me that taught them to be that way.  I must make changes in my life so I can teach them by examples and not by the old "do what I say and not as I do" mentality.  They deserve more from me.  
• Not having my husband home until late at night (every night) really stinks (and is putting quite the kink in my social life ha ha).  But I'm truly grateful for his hard work and the opportunity we've been blessed with to have a job, a home, food, water and good health.
• I really need to bite the bullet and find a good babysitter, cause having no alone time with my husband and not having the opportunities to get out as just adults is getting really old, and is making everyone cranky. 
• While the tone of this post seems sort of gloomy, life is good, I've just realized that I think it could be much much better and I'm at the root of the changes that need to happen.