Tuesday Truths to Thursday Thankfulness

• I started this post and never published it, so I'll just add a few thoughts and finish it up.   
• I bore my testimony two Sunday's ago in a ward I've never been to and will probably never go to again.  I stood at the pulpit, shaking and trembling.  I was dirty (from camping), I had very white, hairy legs that my dress was not covering, my hair was gross and covered in a thin layer of dust and pulled into a bun, I had no make up on, but the spirit was so strong in telling me I needed to bare my (very simple) testimony, that I simply couldn't ignore it.  While I'm sure I said what I needed to say, I know I finished before I said all I wanted to say.   So I'll finish my thoughts here.  I love the Gospel with all my heart.  It is my greatest blessing.  I'm weak and I'm full of faults, and I stumble all too often, but nothing diminishes the happiness and hope the Gospel offers.  I love that every Sunday I go to church, my heart sings from the things I learn.  I love that every Sunday it's reaffirmed to me that this is God's true church!
• I'm finding grey hairs every where these days, they are taking over!   
• I find myself lamenting about all the things I think I'm missing and don't have at the moment and while it has made me bitter at times, it is burning in my soul the things I now KNOW I need in my life. 
• My children and I are probably wearing our welcome pretty thin these days, but every time I watch Isaac snuggle up to his Great Grandmother I have to smile and be glad that we are all getting the opportunity to spend time getting to know her so well.  Dylan is old enough that he'll have the blessing of remembering and knowing both his Great Grandmothers, how neat is that?
• This past week has been a very difficult one for me.  I've spent countless hours wondering why? Why it has to hurt so bad, Why I have to struggle so much, Why I'm unworthy of particular blessings, Why I can't make sense out of any of it.  And then I'm gently reminded of the parable of the gardener.  Here is a small excerpt from Elder D. Todd Christofferson's talked called "As Many as I love, I Rebuke and Chasten.

"President Hugh B. Brown, formerly a member of the Twelve and a counselor in the First Presidency, provided a personal experience. He told of purchasing a rundown farm in Canada many years ago. As he went about cleaning up and repairing his property, he came across a currant bush that had grown over six feet (1.8 m) high and was yielding no berries, so he pruned it back drastically, leaving only small stumps. Then he saw a drop like a tear on the top of each of these little stumps, as if the currant bush were crying, and thought he heard it say:

“How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. … And now you have cut me down. Every plant in the garden will look down on me. … How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.”

President Brown replied, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and someday, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down."

•   I am very much like the little stumps with tears on them right now and I have questioned my "Gardener" because I lack the vision that He has for me.  I only hope I can someday look back and see the wonderful things He has in store for me, that he is preparing me for and smile and praise His name and thank him for the "pruning".  
• Despite the pain and the uncertainty I'm experiencing right now, I know my Heavenly Father lives and I know that he loves me.  He has shown me, through the kind words of strangers, through an amazing priesthood blessing, from the loving hands of my parents home teacher, and through moments of peace and calm.  He has not given me my way, but He has been there to hold my hand as I throw my childish tantrums. 
• I can't promise you won't find me crying about the way things are panning out for me right now, but I can promise that I'm grateful for all the good things in my life.  I'm grateful to be loved enough to be tried and tested.  I'm grateful for my husband and my children.  I'm grateful for food and shelter.  I'm grateful for employment and running vehicles.  I'm grateful for friends and family.  And some day when I'm laden with fruit, I'll be ever more grateful for being cut down!