Life on Hold

I just had an ephiphany. 
I'm so embarrassed it has taken so long for me to figure out.
It doesn't solve any of the problems I face, but it makes facing these dilemma's a lot less awful.
I'm not sure there is such thing as "rock bottom", at least not for me. It seems with each trial I face I learn there are new lows to be reached, harder challenges to overcome and that last times "rock bottom" would be a welcome relief from the "rock bottom" I'm facing now.  
I feel like I hit this particular trials "rock bottom" this past week (and here's me knocking on wood that it actually was the rock bottom, because honestly I haven't been able to deal with any of it on a constructive level) .  I've been besides myself, I mean completely besides myself, my heart literally ached from the grief and sobbing that just wouldn't pass.   I couldn't make sense of anything, I was doing what I felt was "right", but everything was falling apart.  My heart was broken, my dreams were broken, my soul ached for something, anything to work out.  I desperately needed something in my life to bring me peace, and I couldn't find that peace. 
Even after doing all the things I knew I was supposed to be doing (praying, temple worship, scripture study, more praying), I couldn't come to terms with my reality, because I do not WANT the reality I'm living.  I want my own home, my own space, I want to see what living life without sharing walls with neighbors or relatives is like.  I want to be able to cook, clean, decorate, and parent the way I want to.  I want to be together with my husband.  I do not like being separated, I do not like the single parent thing. 
I had big dreams of the happiness and adventures Texas would/will bring to our family.  I've waited and saved for ten years to have what I feel is waiting for us in Texas. 
So I won't lie when I say that I'm more than impatient to get there and that I am more than devastated that things aren't working out right now.  I am angry.  Angry that my life is on hold.
So now I can get back to the epiphany I had this morning.
I've been so angry that God won't speed up the process, so I can get my life off hold, that I simply missed that fact that He is not the one putting my life on hold.  There are some things that only God can do, over which I have no power.   I cannot make the perfect home, in our price range, in the right neighborhood and in the right ward appear on the market, I cannot do that, But God can.  So I will put my trust in Him that He will do his part in His time.  I cannot be a mother and a father to my children, but God can make it work until we can be together again. 
But the rest of my life is in my control and I can do something about it. 
I can read books that uplift and teach me.
I can exercise everyday, I can start running again, I don't know how, but I can do it. 
I can spend less time on the internet, checking every 5 minutes if a new home has come onto the market, hasn't made it happen. 
I can play catch with Dylan in the yard.
I can push Alivia in the swing.
I can sit on the porch with my kids and be engaged in their lives. 
I can teach my children.
I can crochet.
I can stop eating out of stress and disappointment and start eating right. 
I can uplift and be kind to my loved ones.
I can visit my friends, parents, brothers and sisters and spend time with them.
I can write down my thoughts and dreams.
I can learn patience for God's timing.
I can learn patience.
I can be inspired.
I can do hard things.
I can grow my testimony.
I can look for opportunities to serve and help others.
I can take my kids to the park, to the pool or on a bike ride.
I can find a babysitter and have time for me.
I can go to church.
I can listen to Dylan's never ending knowledge of facts about animals bugs and dinosaurs.
I can paint Alivia's nails and teach her to read.
I can hug and kiss my children.
I can be a better example. 
I can wait for good things.
I can stop putting every aspect of my life on hold and make the most of what I have. 
So I am going to get off this dang laptop and go start living again. 
Wish me luck.