Surviving

There was something magical about the first few weeks of Abrielle's life.  The laundry was done, the dishes were done, dinner was cooked...Other than my usually post birth anxiety attacks I thought I had a handle on life.
And then Abrielle's sweet little sleepy personality started to disappear and in it's place came a baby who spends most of her days totally awake and screaming if she is not being held.
The first few weeks I was convinced having a fourth child was no harder and maybe a little easier adjusting to then having three...I fully retract those thoughts and sentiments.
My house is a mess, there's hardly ever dinner, and I AM A MESS.
I find myself wanting to scream and cry right along side Miss Abrielle most of the time.  I have ZERO patience and I lay in bed at night exhausted but haunted by my irrational and crazy behavior towards the ones I love. 
I must have been insane when I thought I could handle four.
I cannot go into public without Derik's help.
I feel helpless and overwhelmed most of the time.
But this is not how I want to be, or how I want to remember (or my kids for that matter) Abrielle's first year of life.
So when I do something out of anger or frustration, I repeatedly have to tell myself that we are only six weeks into this crazy madness and that this is only a short period in my life and that I don't need to make everything perfect.  I have to remind myself that it's okay to have a mess of a house if it means I get to hold my baby and tell her I love her.  Eventually I will be less occupied and dinner will become regular again.  Someday I'll settle into our new normal and things wont seem so overwhelming, for now I just need to be patient with myself and my family. 
I love my little girl and I'm glad she's here, I just hope everyone can be forgiving and patient with me as I figure this all out.