Calming of the Storm

Sometimes I am motivated by unseen forces.  I make decisions for reasons I can't explain.  I have feelings that lead me one way because I feel they will make me happy only to discover with time that I find myself not happy at all.  I doubt every decision I make because It's always followed by the thought that I should stop having desires and wants in my life because when I pursue what I think I want, I usually never find the happiness I thought they'd hold.
I think its fair to say I've struggled with depression most of my life.  I desperately want to be the kind of person who finds joy in everything (including my trials) and some part of me knows life will work itself out because I know I have a Heavenly Father and a Savior who have a plan for me and my life and my happiness.  It's always been my feelings and my "knowings" (that's not even a word I'm sure but I don't know how else to put it) that can't agree.  Sometimes I live with the chaos in my mind.  I can almost shut it out and go about my daily life and sometimes the battle is so loud and intense that my whole world crumbles. 
Right now my world is crumbling.
I can think of only one other time in my life where I was so terrified and trapped and scared and confused that I hoped I'd just die rather than endure another day feeling the way I did.   

I've had lots of low moments where I know I am stuck in a terrible depression and for the most part I know those days and low moments will pass and I find a way to go on even if it' not healthy or productive. 
About 3 months ago I started to have small fleeting feelings and thoughts that I once had long ago, It's amazing the minute they surfaced, I was transported back 10 years ago back to the very moments I first experienced them and I remembered why I quietly tried to force those memories and thoughts and feelings away.  I do not like being in that place and I NEVER wanted to have to relive those feelings! 
As the past few months have passed by, the horrible feelings have begun to surface more often and they linger a little longer each time.  I know where this path is headed and I'm scared.  Living through it once was all I thought I could handle, but apparently I'm in need of another soul humbling experience. 
Two nights ago I found myself right back where I prayed I'd never be.
I have all the good things in life.  I have a great husband.  I have three children who are my greatest gifts from God.  I have good health.  I'm carrying another child.  We have a beautiful home.  I have the Gospel.  Our family has food and water and just about everything one could be blessed with.  We have a little savings.  We (Derik, more accurately) has a job that keeps the bills paid and offers me the opportunity to stay at home with our kids.  We have friends who are willing to help.  I have so many things....
I have been blessed with numberless blessings but it did little to restore my ability to breath two nights ago.  It did little to help me feel in control of my sinking soul.
I have failed in so many things.
I have no worth.
I can't control my racing heart, it feels as if it will burst.
I sweat uncontrollably.
I pray for this nasty experience to pass and yet it doesn't.
Not right away at least.
So I'm clinging to the only piece of sane thought that I still have and that is this... I lived through these feeling once so I can live through them again.  Even though there are no words to describe the anxiety I can't keep in check and the nights I lay there sweating and tossing and turning and begging for my heart to stop it's racing.

The first time I experienced this Hell I had just given birth to my first born son.
Now I am carrying what I believe is our last child.   
Maybe it's all tied to hormones.
Maybe it's the only time in my life where I sit down and contemplate what everything means.  The beginning of things the end of things, maybe it's just to much for me to handle.
I don't know why I go a insane, there is something to be learned I'm sure.  I just really hoped there was another way for me to learn, this way really stinks!

So I write these things not to complain but to let myself remember there will be a end to the anxiety and depression and that although I have to pass through this storm again,  Heavenly Father is there in it all helping me get through it.   He was there the first time, He' here now. 
The first time I had the additional help of lots of friends and family.
This time I assume I have to learn to find my own way out, trusting in my Heavenly Father and my Savior. Trusting them to calm me when my emotional storms are raging.