I Want to Break Up

Dear Mr. Cynical, I know we've been through a lot together, It's our close life long relationship that's making this break-up so difficult. Not only am I miserable in your company, but during our enduring and intimate relationship, I found companionship and love with Mr. Resigned.
I hope you'll come to understand that in time I was doing both of us a favor. We just aren't good for each other.
Mr. Resigned has been good to me. He helps me get through each day feeling comfortably numb. I no longer question people's motives, because thanks to him, I now understand that I should be content to endure all things unpleasant. Mr. Resigned never pushes me to be or do better and quite frankly I enjoy the fact that he's never pushy. Mr. Resigned accepts the fact that I'm an underachiever, but doesn't judge me for it. Mr. Resigned tells me everyday that we are meant for each other and I find it flattering that he's so hung up on me.

I'm sorry.....
Mrs. Michelle Cynical Resigned

I'm extremely embarrassed to pose this question (especially after my brother paid good money to put me through landmark), but how do you not be resigned about life, or at least how do I not be resigned about my life?
Life is about our attitude, and I believe it shapes our environment and the way we see things. But talking about a good attitude and having a good attitude, are two very different things.
I think my brain got stuck at six years old, you know when you tried something and it had disastrous results, and you promised yourself you'd never be that dumb or foolish again.
I got burned a lot as a child (and no I don't actually mean physically burned), whether it be my friends or my family, I've got more than my fair share of childhood scars. I was the dreaded uncontrollable and flighty middle child, I set bad examples, I was the fat girl, I was the loner. But I digress, because I've said all this stuff before....Anyhow, I'm almost thirty now and I should know better than to rely on my childhood trauma's and ways of thinking, I should know that I look at the world through colored lenses. The Landmark program taught me that life is exactly what I make of it, and the stories I tell myself are just stories and nothing more, they hold no truths.
So I tell myself every day, "Michelle, you're tremendously blessed, focus on the good things in your life. Your life is what you make it!"
I guess it's just a superficial statement, though, because my thought are usually far from happy when I analyze my life.
I find myself wondering every day if Derik and I's differences will ever be to our benifit instead of our demise. I wonder if he'll ever soften up. I wonder if he'll ever hold my hand and say tender things to me. I wonder if one day he'll ever lift me up instead of always pushing me ahead. I wonder if I'll ever be able to call him my best friend. I wonder when our healing will come. I worry that the only thing holding our marriage together is our stubborn wills and what kind of marriage is that? I sob every time I see tender affection between a husband and a wife, because I ache to feel that way, I ache to have that kind of connection.
I wonder if there will ever be a time in our life when the phrase, we can't afford it, won't have to be uttered. I wonder when my husband will trust me, and listen to what I have to say every once in a while. I wonder why it is he thinks I'm incapable? I wonder if I truly love my husband for who he is and was, or was my love based on what I thought he could become? I wonder when it is I'll stop wanting my husband to be something else. I wonder why I want/wanted to have children, but will do just about anything to distance myself from them. I wonder why I don't reach out to my Heavenly Father when I feel so anguished. I wonder why I publish my deepest trials for the world to read. I wonder if I'm insane.....
I know life could be worse, much, much worse, I just need a little advice on how it is you make the leap from being resigned about your life to being truly grateful for what ever it is you've been given? I don't want to miss out on what life has to offer because I was always longing for more, and yet I don't want to miss out on life, because I didn't reach for more.